Train-quiliser

I'm a copywriter by day and a copywriter by night, but I only suffer from foot-in-mouth every alternate Sunday. So while I'm mentally preparing a list of future apologies for gems that will leave my tongue during the course of the following week, I indulge in one of my favorite activities noticing the fliers and ads pasted on the compartment walls of the trains in the city.
Yeah trains!, it's a real treat to read those ads, If you don't catch me eavesdropping on someone else's conversation, struggling to read the newspaper in the hands of the person sitting next to me, pretending to send an sms on my cell, or wondering which of the women in the compartment need a facial hair intervention, you'll find me looking heaven words to the ceiling of the compartment. Yes I do get the stares for doing that, but then my flaming red naxalite jhola(bag) catches their eye and diverts the attention.

These wonderfully worded and illustrated ads are proof that Indians are entrepreneurs like no others. If there is a problem there will be a dozen odd clinics to fix it. And we are not talking about the mundane Gout, or the embarrassing hernia, we're talking real problems here. Dr. Mane's (no I'm not making this up) clinic will help you grow taller, so that you can stop blaming your parents and move on with your life.

Of course there are those who've been around since I was considered a half ticket, like the Kaya Sex clinic, there used to be this one sketched ad where a man who wore a black underwear could not fight gravity. I wonder why no mahila mandal samiti ever objected to that ad considering it was right in your face when you were pressed against the compartment wall during rush hour.

Leaving those aside you have Tortoise mosquito repellent, advertising faithfully over the years, maybe they should start putting one under the seat to prove the effectiveness of their product.

Then are those ads that try and lure job seekers and college kids, Earn Rs. 10,000 a month call Rahul at 98something number. somebody ought to tell Rahul that if you can pay your employees 10k a month maybe you can increase your ad-spend and graduate from a hand written photo- copied flier ??? I mean is that to much to ask!

But the truly classic ads, the ones which should force Cannes festival to start a separate category of awards for ingenuity - the English training institutes. It's no secret that we suffer from the colonial hangover and love the Queen's language, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to speak the language fluently. It's just that these institutes with their wonderful ads leave me in splits. So while travelling on the harbor line you will comes across a florescent flier that screams "learn British spoken English, learn hi-fi English within a month, or full payback, highly qualified teachers (who I'm praying did not proof read this ad) But you've got to give them credit, at least there were no spelling mistakes.

Before you accuse me of being an Anglicized racist, until there are LCD television sets installed in each compartment that show NDTV imagine's Mahabharat 24X7 I will continue to look heavenwards and spot the not……

(Article and Pictures Courtesy: KR, Edited by Bombay Diva)

Evil Genius Thy Name Is BMC!!!

For the out of towners, the BMC is the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation, which collects taxes and uses it to provide infrastructure and other stuff for the general betterment of Bombay (the latter part of its job description is highly debated and rarely fulfilled).

Of late though, since the BMC refuses to clear garbage and just lets it rot, the citizens have taken it upon themselves to clean up the place (hey don't flame us, its a self-preservation tactic). The BMC has instituted "awards" for the cleanest society/locality.

Let's back up a bit and recap:
- I pay the BMC money to keep the city clean and provide basic services
- The BMC doesn't do its job
- The citizens are forced to do the job
- They use a fraction of the money to "reward" the citizens
- We still pay the money!!!
Does this seem a little off to you???

If we as a city pay taxes which constitute more than the rest of the country put together, the least we can expect is garbage free streets and roads that don't look like the surface of the moon. It's time we raised our expectations and make sure the BMC gets paid only for the work it does.

Chalti Ka Naam Gadi

People in Bombay are lateral thinkers and it shows in their driving. They don't seem to understand that if they follow certain rules, it might seem inconvenient at the moment, but it is all in the interest of getting everyone forward and onward. Setting aside the noxious level of pollution and the crappy roads, getting from point A to point B in Bombay is becoming a Darwinian undertaking.

First of all the road seems to be filled with idiots who insist on driving 3 inches away from my rear bumper and 3 inches from my front bumper, all the while blaring some God forsaken Himesh Reshamiyya song (which just has one word repeated over and over as nauseum) and acting like their Maruti 800 is a Jag or such other. Trust me chumps, you're not impressing ANYONE!!!

Don't even get me started on the guys who drive trucks, who feel the need to assert their masculinity by driving like a**holes

Indians are known to take their wedding and their funerals, their festivals and their processions out into the street, but when you write some sort of slogan/name/what have you on the back of your car, could you try NOT to spell like you failed third grade English?? The gratuitous typos make you look like an idiot.

Strangely, I don't really fault roadside hawkers. I'm not saying I'm encouraging them, but they are just trying to eke out a living. I've already ranted and raved about the state of the roads, but I think after today, I'd rather see the BMC channel the road improvement money to free driving etiquette classes for the public.

Being a diva/lady who lunches is getting harder by the day, especially when I have to leave for a lunch date before breakfast!!!! :P

In Esteemed Company.

The CET results were out last week and my friends have done really well. I'm extremely proud of them and am glad to be in the company of such brilliant people!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Primark Misses Its Mark.

So by now all of you (all of you who read newspapers that is) must've heard about the whole BBC expose/Primark fiasco. The BBC did this expose on how Primark's (a UK based garment retailer) outsourcing arm in India sublets to minors. This caused Primark to act "responsibly" and immediately withdraw all work outsourced to India.

I take great umbrage at the word "responsible".

Firstly there is nothing responsible or logical about depriving a whole lot of people from their daily bread. Secondly, taking back the work will not automatically solve the problem of child labour, it will only force the children to work in less regulated sectors, making them more susceptible to abuse. And finally, Primark missed turning this blot on their reputation into a superlative oppurtunity to not only recover, but emerge winners.

Granted that sub-contracting is not exactly legal, but like many things in India, it cannot be classified as black or white. It falls in this vague "grey" void that most things in India fall it, which means it is neither completely right nor completely wrong.

In India the child labour situation is extremely comlex. Definately there is a small percentage of whom have been forced into it, but most child labourers are working because the supposed "adults" of the family who are supposed to be earning are afflicted with some sort of addiction/illness or just couldn't be bothered. They are their family's only hope and take their responsibility seriously. A lot of them are runaways who have escaped sexual, physical or other abuse and are just looking to make their way in life. Being able to afford to go to school is as preposterous an idea for these children, as not working is!!!

A more sensible solution to this problem would be if Primark could provide a few hours of informal "schooling" for the children and then pay them some sort of stipend. In this way, they not only get their job done for a lot less but can also count it as one of their corporate governance initiatives. Infact, a whole business model could be built around this idea which can be mutually beneficial as well as extremely cost efficient.

But this can only happen if we (in general) stop running away from the problem or stop pretending that the problem doesn't exist. Child labour in India isn't going to be eradicated anytime soon and the only hope that we can have is to make it more regulated and lessen any damaging impact is has on the victims who remain voiceless in these situations - the children themselves!!!

I'm Back......

.......after a long hiatus (of one week), caused by un-co-operative internet maintenance guys, I'm back and raring to go. Before I get into the thick of things though, I would really like to thank CJ for keeping my blog up and running, even though he has to juggle his own blog and college stuff at the same time. :D

So much has happened in this one week, I can't wait to start rambling (hopefully not incoherently). And now that I've learnt to post pictures on the blog, I'm a force to reckon with!! :P lol.

I remain,
Bombay Diva

36 Hours in Bombay

The New York Times has a weekly spotlight feature called “36 Hours In….” where they feature different cities in different parts of the world.

This week they feature good ol' Bombay !

It’s the Jazz Age again in Mumbai. The populous metropolis is bursting with stock-market money, a shimmering art scene has a growing global presence, and young people are exploiting their newfound freedoms in dim bars until the wee hours. Indeed, in the city’s more rarefied circles, Champagne is sipped every night and everyone knows everyone, darling. But large swaths of Mumbai, the former Bombay, remain immune to the homogeneity of global glamour.

Be sure to check it out here.

[Source]

-The infamous Cj

Diva absense

Just to let y'all know , the reason for the Diva absense, is that she is currently having Internet problems and has essentially been cut off from the Internet for the last 4 days now. She will be back asap. Stay tuned !

-The infamous Cj

Where the Hell is Matt ? In Bombay !

Matt Harding became famous by accident awhile back when a video of him dancing in front of landmarks in different countries became an overnight success. Now Matt is back with a new video thats been in the making for over a year. This time around he visited and danced in 42 different countries and one of them was India , in Bombay !
Please do check out it out. Its a really cool video thats sure to give you goosebumps.
Make sure to check out his website and his previous video if you have the time.
[Source]

-The infamous Cj

Mind of a Woman

(Here's a nice anecdote from Business Leader Magazine. Enjoy!)

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and starts to read her new business book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning ma’am. What are you doing? “Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking “Isn’t it obvious?”) "You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her. “I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading,” she answers. “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman. “But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden. “That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.” After thinking for a moment, the game warden said, “Have a nice day ma’am,” and then left her alone.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads…It’s likely she can also think.

To Pump Iron, or Not To Pump, that is the Question!!

So since we met last, my self-esteem has plummeted 20,000 leagues under the sea. And its all thanks to a five-year old and an innocent "compliment" !!

I was sitting on the sofa with my niece the other day and she leaned against me and said that "I" was softer than the cushions!!! :O :O :O...Ouch!!!

After picking up self-worth from the gutter, I headed straight to the gym. Now, I don't know if this phenomenon applies only to the gym in my colony, or is a more insidious worldwide malady, but THERE ARE NO FAT PEOPLE in the gym!!! :O

It would stand to reason right, that fat people would join a gym to lose weight and when they did, the quota of requisite fatness would be refilled. But all I saw were super-buff men and model-like women, strutting around. Maybe they hide all the fat blokes in an inner room???

Me now thinks there is a half-way house, where you have to lose weight in order to be eligible to join a gym. Like in amusement parks...."You must be this high for this ride", I think there is some sort of unwritten rule, "You must weigh this much to join the gym".

*wanders off in search of this mythical half-way house.

So no gym for me. But I think I'll be safe just as long as I can manage to stay away from five-year olds with a penchant for soft objects.

Now where's that leftover pizza??? :P

Snapshots of Bombay (Worli Seaface)

I think the fact that we are so close to the Arabian Sea is the most wonderful thing about Bombay. A good friend of mine (who prefers to remain anonymous) from college has the good fortune of living at Worli Seaface. Here are a few pictures right from sunrise to sunset of the gorgeous view from his bedroom window.

A Rose by Any Other Name.....

.....might smell as sweet, but does the same apply to Bombay/Mumbai??

The city is clearly divided into two camps. One which does not recognize "Mumbai", and still insist on calling it Bombay. And the other which not only calls it Mumbai, but also insists (sometimes forceably)that others do the same. The first group is accused of being super-snobs and elitist and what not. And the second camp is considered to be maniacs/fundamentalists from the wrong side of the tracks. So what really is the deal?? Is anyone really in the right??

I am firmly ensconced in the former camp and this is what I think.

I understand the feeling which motivates group B. Their logic goes that since the British christened our lil island "Bombay", we were taking a symbolic step by changing it back to its original name.

But did they think about the massive financial losses this one decision would generate?? Did they consider the money that had to be spent re-painting signs and re-printing letter-heads. What about the shop-keepers whose billboards got blackened and whose shops got ransacked?? Aren't they being as tyrannical as the British were, in their attempts at ridding Bombay of the British influence??

Setting aside all the political and financial ramifications of the decision, I think the thing that bothers me the most is the sense of helplessness that that one move made a whole lot of people in Bombay feel. Here we were going about our business in relative peace and harmony, till someone (we elected apparently) comes along and makes decisions that we don’t support.

I thought the whole point of a democracy is the voice of the majority, but the name change was brought about without consulting the common man. I compare the absurdity of the move to say, my grandmother waking up one morning and asking me to call her Slim Shady without asking what I thought about it first !!.....:D :D

From that point in time, it became all about the brawn. Have a few goons with you….. garner a little political clout…. and you can do as you like to a point where even the police are rendered impotent.

With the change in her name, Bombay lost a piece of history as well as her cosmopolitan outlook. It elevated one citizen above the other and made way for decision-makers to make personal agendas into laws and private vendettas into a public spectacle. It’s this type of lawlessness perpetrated by the law-makers that makes me shudder. It started with just a name, and has snowballed into violent regionalism and (baseless) vitriolic charges against minorities. The future looks bleak.

So for me, calling my beloved city Bombay is more than a political move, I have no intention of angering anyone or ruffling feathers. For me it is as simple as living in a time where the majority vote counted, where the voice of the people was heard (even during non election years) and where no one cared if you came from another state (most of us did). Yeh hai Bombay meri jaan!!!

A Little About The New Guy...

First I would like to thank the Bombay Diva for this great opportunity to contribute to her blog. Some of you may know me from ZomgitsCj , where I have been blogging for a short time now.

My role here will be more of "the Tech Guy".If you see anything wrong with the site or would like something changed do let me know in the comments section. But when the occasional need to rant about something political or worthy of this blog strikes me, you'll see me posting here.You'll find that my style of writing will be a lot more formal here than on my aforementioned blog.

I look forward to contributing to the Bombay Diva's already great site and look forward to your feedback.

-The infamous Cj

Awww......

....my mom is the cutest!!!

My phone was low on balance (as usual!!! :P) and I called my mom up from my friends landline. After the conversation, she asks me how come my name isn't showing on the caller ID?? :O :O :O eerrrr.....coz im calling up from someone else's number maybe??. Well, apparently she though caller IDs are super-machines, who recognise who is calling and not the number they are calling from. So even if someone's number is not registered on the phone, its supposed to display the name of the person who dialled.....

hahahahahahahahahaha.........rotflmao!!

But seriously, maybe she's a woman ahead of her time. Who knows? But till then I'll have a field day laughing at her. You go ma!!

Come on a Joyride.......

.....on the streets of Bombay. There used to be a more innocent time where the streets had potholes, but now the POTHOLES have STREETS!!

Its like a friggin roller coaster ride wherever you go. Or worse a camel ride. Maybe all the citizens of Bombay should start a class action suit against the BMC citing acute back and spinal cord problems inflicted due to the bad condition of the road. Hmmm, I might be on to something here.

I mean, how difficult can it be?? Stop Narayan Rane from taking his entourage of cronies on a month-long vacay in Europe and re-direct those funds. Those are taxpayers rupees btw. We pay a huge chunk of our salaries so that some arrogant a**-wipes can frolic in the Alps. And the world wonders why Bombay is such a dump inspite of being the financial capital of India. I say, hang em', HANG EM' ALL!

A Little Birdie Told Me.......

.....that sparrows are higher up on the list of priorities than humans in Bombay. No, seriously!!

The principal of my ex-college (HR College, Churchgate) Mrs. oh pardon me, DR. Indu Shahani is the current Sheriff of Bombay. Huge honour, huge responsibility, huge opportunity to bring about change right?? WRONG!!!

Her first order of business......sparrow conservation. While I agree wildlife conservation(do sparrows constitute wildlife)IS important, I'm sure that as a Sheriff she could have drawn attention to more pressing matters, like the floods we have every time it drizzles and the power crisis and the, well, everything else. But no, she is planning to spend scare public funds on setting up sparrow shelters. Who's gonna tell the sparrows that there are shelters for them?? Is she going to hire people to run around Bombay and catch sparrows so that those shelters are used?? Is she.....is it......are they???......ack!! it hurts my brain to think about it.She should be thankful if the sparrows don't mistake her hairset for a nest and treat THAT as a shelter. rotflmao.

Setting aside the fact that with all the hairspray she uses, a hole has formed in the ozone layer right above her head, she was an ok principal. I mean, sure, she doesn't pay attention to people who don't drive a merc(or two), but she doesn't unnecessarily meddle and I like that. But seriously....sparrows.....get a life woman!!! and stick to your day job :P

Tune in for part two of the rant, where I talk about how Indu Shahani is teaching Bombay-ites to whistle.

Till then I remain,
Slack-jawed in awe,
Bombay Diva

No Longer a Virgin……

……an internet virgin that is!! lol. I’ve finally been unleashed on the internet and no one, I repeat, NO ONE, is safe!

I’ll be blogging about my views, political or otherwise and about other random stuff going on in my life. I basically started this blog because
• I am an only child who has outgrown her imaginary friends,
• Am too cheap to pay for a shrink (:D),
• No newspaper is willing to hire me and pay me for my views
• And also because CJ basically twisted my arm and made me do it.
Also, if you don’t like the blog name, layout, actually anything (other than the writing) you can aim your rotten tomatoes at CJ who basically did everything from start to finish and also put up with my mindless chatter and inane comments while he was doing all this work. He is also a guest blogger. *Sigh, if only all things in life were handed to me on a platter like that. Thanks CJ and HUGE hugs to ya, go check out his blog at zomgitscj.blogspot.com.

OK, now that we’re done with all the credits and the mushy stuff, let’s get down to business. What can you expect from my blog??

I plan on unleashing my acerbic tongue on any subject that catches my fancy, and I ain’t scared of naming names. So think twice before you cross me. I am always open to comments/feedback, so say what’s on your mind and validate my opinions once in a while :P

I’ll also have a Bombay restaurant review section (once a week probably), a “Been there, Done that” section (where I plan on talking about the touristy places in Bombay) and ofcourse my political rants and personal ramblings.

Just in case you get bored of me, CJ will step in with his inimitable brand of wit and I might just be able to rope in the prolific photo journalist, K Rebelo to do a few interesting bits.

So hang in people, the show is about to begin.

Peace Out!!
BombayDiva